I’ve found a friend in Jesus

When I was little, me and my brother used to cherish a dusty book from the 60s which was filled with photos of the paranormal. Our favourite section featured sightings of the Blessed Virgin Mary (or BVM, as the book respectfully abbreviated it) – vague blobs that looked a bit like they might have a halo and be wearing a dress if you squinted and tipped your head 90 degrees.

With the book long-lost in my mum and dad’s loft, I have to satisfy myself with those pictures in the papers of crazy people who see heavenly sightings of Jesus in random objects. Usually toast. Like this lady, who has thoughtfully matched her lipstick to her holy relic (this is not a euphemism):

I’m sure these pictures are entirely real. Jesus is hanging out with those lions that Jehovah’s Witnesses insist spend all day licking you when you hit heaven, and he thinks, ‘Eternal bliss is all very well, but fucking hell, those harps are getting on my tits. I might pop down to Earth and have a look. Maybe appear on some toast.’

So imagine my surprise when he started appearing in common or garden – usually easily manipulated – foodstuffs around my home and workplace! Well, he didn’t. But I enjoyed pretending he had. First one to say, ‘That looks more like Bill Bailey’ gets a Chinese burn.

Jesus in some pepper!

Jesus on a fajita wrap!

Jesus in some pencil shavings!

Jesus in some milk!

Jesus in toothpaste!

Jesus in ketchup!

Jesus in eyeliner!

Jesus on a pizza!

Jesus on a coffee mug!

Praise be, indeed.


About bramblymouse

These words are mine.
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2 Responses to I’ve found a friend in Jesus

  1. Can you do Mother Teresa on a cinnamon bun?

  2. roseski says:

    How long did you have an eye-liner Jesus on your face for??

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